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A to Z Weddings: After the Big Day - Love Will Keep Us Together
Tips & Advice
from our professionals:
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Where do I start?
Hiring Your Vendors
The Ceremony
The Reception
After the Big Day
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It's more than a walk down the aisle.....
A mission for healthy marriages
Oprah Winfrey is on a mission. She wants more newly engaged couples or couples thinking of making lifetime commitments to deeply consider the step they are about to take. She's featured several shows this past year on the subject and hopes that more couples will ask themselves some hard questions before walking down the aisle.
It has always been my thought that if more couples spent as much time planning the marriage as they do planning the wedding, the divorce rate would be a lot lower in Buffalo and Western New York. That is not to say that you should not have the wedding of your dreams, but before you head down the aisle, make sure you know exactly what it is you're about to do. Ask the hard questions now and make sure you can live with the answers.
Love will keep us together
Couples interviewed on the show I saw thought love would get them through the tough times. They really did not think through some of the issues that plague relationships down the road. Couples are even less likely to think about the hard questions once the wedding plans begin. During the engagement year before the wedding, there is a certain euphoria that occurs. Family and friends make you the center of attention, all eyes and all conversation is about you, you, you... and the wedding. It is a storybook type of existence that does not last long after the wedding is over. It is usually at this time that couples begin to question what they have done. It is a natural descent after such a long high. It is surely natural to feel a bit of a letdown when reality hits and couples resume a normal life, out of the spotlight.
Required reading on the subject
While most engaged women make bridal magazines their first choice to give them advice, there are some good books that can give couples a look at what to really expect when the euphoria wears off. There are several books on the subject that should be required reading for couples thinking of marriage. Check out The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say I Do by Susan Piver.
Ask the hard questions now
Here are some difficult questions couples should ask themselves before marriage.
* What is your intention?
o Get married, have kids, home, live happily ever after?
* Why are you getting married?
o Age? Is this the age range all of your friends are getting married?
o Peer or social pressure?
o Time? Logical progression of events in the relationship?
o So in love?
o Religious pressure to marry?
o Biological clock ticking?
* What adjustments will you face from single to married life?
* Have you shared all personal information including finances, credit history, medical history, past marriages, family problems, etc? If not, do so immediately.
* Will you have joint finances?
* How will you make major financial decisions?
* Are you a saver or a spender? Can you live in financial harmony together? Do you have a plan for how you intend to spend and save money?
* Will you have children?
* How will you raise your children? Strict, disciplined, or unstructured?
* How will you present faith and religion to your children?
* Who will be the primary caregiver?
* Will one of you quit work to raise the children?
* If you are no longer working, do you still have a say in the budget and spending of money?
* Do you have to ask to spend money? Will this be a problem?
* Do you agree on the level of involvement you will have in caring for aging parents or other family members?
* Do you have an understanding on the amount of time and money that will be committed to sports, hobbies, or recreation?
* How will you resolve conflict?
* Are friends of the opposite sex acceptable or will they cause hurt feelings?
* If friends of the opposite sex are acceptable, what are the limits?
* What about sex? Are there any expectations? What if they aren't met? Sex when one is tired, when pregnant, sick, etc.
* Is friendship enough to sustain the marriage? Can you live without sex?
* Can you carry on with your commitment if your spouse is injured, incapacitated, or otherwise fails to live up to their end of the union?
* Have you totally disclosed everything about yourself to the person you are going to marry that might make a difference if they knew, for example, are you prone to lying or violence? Addicted to gambling, sex, or pornography? Been convicted of a crime? Have sexual urges or tendencies that are not considered 'mainstream' normal? If you even remotely believe any of these apply to your situation and you have not fully disclosed these issues to your partner, your marriage is doomed to fail. These are not things that a partner should discover after the fact.
Issues regarding money, sex, and infidelity are the top marital problems. Don't fall into the idealistic and romantic notion that love will conquer all, love will keep us together, and love will see us through; it won't.
You can expect a certain amount of post wedding depression, especially if you have overspent and the bills arrive. You will have the biggest case of buyer's remorse you've ever experienced. When reality sets in, you may feel panicked and start to fight over debt. That usually leads to problems in the bedroom, and your princess lifestyle has suddenly gone completely wrong.
Do keep in mind that uncertainty is always attributed to cold feet but should be explored.
Don't fall prey to the sense of obligation to follow through once you are engaged if you find that you have serious reservations. Stop, breathe, and talk to each other. Decide if your fears are real and if you should act on them, or if it's indeed just a matter of cold feet.
Ask hard questions BEFORE you marry and repeat the wedding vow to yourself, now. Do you take this person for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others keeping only to him (or her). Think about what you are about to agree to forever. Divorce is no walk in the park. It has become too easy, too acceptable, and too common, but it is none of those things when it is you in the middle of a nasty divorce.
If you can honestly say that you will take your future spouse warts and all; completely as they are now (people don't really change very often or for very long) then jump in with both feet!
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